First Birthdays aren’t for wimps

This is not exactly the way I expected to spend my “first birthday.” One year, clean and sober, and I'm all set to get drugged up and knocked out! It's funny how some things come full circle.

Two years after my initial diagnosis, a routine follow up showed that cancer had returned. If you’ve ever been told, “you have cancer,” you know that it’s one of the worst things you will ever hear. Though I have to say, hearing “relapse” is a close second, if not a tie for first place.

Of course when it comes to cancer there's always the reality that it may come back, or spread, or show up somewhere else. Even when it's physically gone, it never really leaves you. But despite being in the back of the mind, there’s no preparation for that punch to the gut. Admittedly, I’ve spent the last 6 weeks of holiday “cheer” in a pretty dark place. Lots of tears, isolated, depressed, overwhelmed, getting too little sleep, etc…. but I’ve managed to (basically) keep it together-ish. More importantly, I’ve stayed sober, which is something I couldn't do the first time around. (Quite the contrary, this is the exact thing that would have made me drink my face off!) Much like #stupidfuckingcancer, addiction is always right there, just waiting for the opportunity to show it’s ugly self. So, all I can do is get up and face it, one day at a time. Even the days that I stay in my jammies and shuffle around. #SorryNotSorry

So here I am today, ready for the next step: a radical hysterectomy. (I’ll spare you the full anatomy lesson but basically I will have everything removed that wasn’t removed last time around.) It's very likely that this is all the treatment I’ll need, but I'll know more after surgery and pathology. Again, one day at a time.

Even though #CancerIsAnAsshole and this is beyond sucky, I’m still taking the time to feel proud and show gratitude for this important birthday. Though it has not been easy, getting sober has truly saved my life. Please, if you need help, seek it. It is waiting for you.

#NoShame #MyLittlePSA

Thank you for all of the love and light and support, and for those of you who have held my hand down this path, you are irreplaceable

#AABDAY #SoberBirthday #OneYearSober #SoberLife #ItsABetterLife#365DaysWithoutChampagne #YesReally#YesMe #OneDayAtATime#FUCKCANCER #FUCKITYFUCKFUCKFUCKIT#CervicalCancerSucks#GetYourPaps#ByeUterusAndTubesAndOvariesYouDidAGreatJobWithAllThosebabies

© 2020 by Emily Lynn Paulson

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