Blow me (says the Breathalyzer)



I’m so friggin excited today! Never been so stoked for a car service appointment. I’m getting this stupid interlock (breathalyzer) removed! This thing has been such a pain in the ass. If you’ve never had the pleasure of having one of these things, let me give you a summary:


-You have to apply for a restricted license ($$$)


-Your insurance will skyrocket and/or drop you entirely


-You pay $$$$ to have it installed.


-You have to breathe into it to start the car, 2 minutes after starting the car, and randomly every 10-45 minutes while driving, and it takes a photo of you every time.


-It has to be calibrated monthly, and the data is sent to the department of licensing for review. Each time, this takes an hour and costs $$$


– It isn’t perfect, so perfume, hairspray, sunscreen, cough drops, coffee, and even gum, can set it off, which causes a false violation. This requires another trip to get calibrated and more time and $$$. This happened 2-5 times every month.


– It sucks the life out of your battery which has left me stranded, required 4 new batteries, 6 tows, and 27 jumpstarts this past year. And causes yet another violation which requires another appointment and $$$


-It makes getting car service, using valet, giving rides to others (field trip with a teacher, for example) among many other things, a total awkward pain in the ass.


-It avoids any and all warranties you have on anything in your car.


-(this might be the only bright side) It gives hilarious prompts constantly, such as “BLOW HARDER”, “HUM STRONGER”, and “DONT INHALE”, which has been the source of hilarious innuendos and jokes to the delight of my husband.


-To get it removed($$$), after your suspension is up, you have to undergo a 4 month compliance review ($$$) take both the written and driving tests ($$$), and finally, spend 3 hours at the dmv to get a new license ($$$).


Today I’m jumping for joy!!!! What has been a very humbling, humiliating, upsetting, and ridiculously expensive experience, has left me relieved and confident that I paid my debt to society, and extremely grateful. Beyond grateful for many things, but mainly because I’m painfully aware that it could have ended up so much worse.


Seriously, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER get behind the wheel after drinking, no matter how “fine” you think you are. Pretty please? #thanks

© 2020 by Emily Lynn Paulson

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